One thing you will notice from the get go is that I have no sense of punctuation, which is kind of odd for someone with a college degree. I’m not sure if that speaks more about the horrible education system of this country or more about my ability to fake till’ I make it. Well it seems like I faked it all the way through High School and College graduation. If I’m going to be honest though, I don’t really think I ever made it.
It’s strange, for someone who likes themselves (as I do) to be so unhappy with oneself.
What do I not like? I don’t like what I’m doing with what I was given. The opportunities, the brains, the imagination, the talent, yes I think very highly of myself, but I also think very lowly of myself. I am a failure, in strictest sense of the word. I have failed in life in more than one way. I have never used my talents or the opportunities presented, handed to me by life in what most would consider a silver platter. Sometimes its so sad it makes me want to cry, and sometimes I do, alone. I cry because its my fault. These are my own weaknesses, my fears. I have so many fears that sometimes they are paralyzing.
I read something Nietzsche wrote about the Last Man in “Thus Spoke Zarathustra.” It says, and I quote: “The last man is possible only by mankind’s having bred an apathetic creature who has no great passion or commitment, who is unable to dream, who merely earns his living and keeps warm.” He speaks, as I understand it, about man becoming complaisant, and comfortable in this world to the point were nothing is happening, were people aren’t living but simply existing. This, unfortunately, is what people want, this is what society thrives for… comfort with lack of effort.
Now, I’m not one of those people who says they see the world so clearly, that they realize this world is crap, that people are crap, that life is crap and they’re just waiting for the moment in which they wont have to live it anymore. Sure the world can be crap, sure some people can be crap, and sometimes even I just want to not exist, but I also understand life isn’t meant to be easy. That as the saying goes “anything worth doing, is hard work,” or something like that. Even life. Because honestly, how happy would you be if nothing took effort? How fulfilled would you feel if you didn’t need to be strong, or kind, or smart, or talented for the good things to happen? Well, maybe you don’t feel that way, but I do, and that right there, that’s what gets to me. I want to do the hard work, I want to succeed in life, I want to be propelled by my own two feet, but I don’t. I just don’t because what if I can’t do it? What if I can’t make it? What then?