I was watching this show a few weeks back, Mr. Robot. The protagonist, Elliot, was talking about his isolation, about feeling alone and how he couldn’t take it sometimes. I could relate to Elliot. He didn’t really relate to people, and so he avoided them like the plague, but still the loneliness he felt was overwhelming, and paralyzing. I feel that way sometimes. I want to be left alone, I rather not have people around, but I’m also overwhelmingly alone.
Sometimes I wonder if people just feel sorry for me, if they’re nice to me because I’m a half decent person, but they don’t really care? I feel people don’t care. I could die and they’d feel sorry, but would they really care? I doubt it. I’m alone in the sense that no one cares. I try, I try so hard. I try to relate, I try to hang out with different people, make plans with them, try to engage them, they smile at me, and say sure, and are perfectly nice to me, but I’m never a priority. I feel like to everyone, except those that love me, like my mother and sister, a meal at Taco Bell would take precedent over me, and that makes me so sad I want to cry. Its sad that I matter so little I could disappear and only my mother would mourn me. My mother who is my best friend, because everyone else leaves you, everyone else moves on and they’re okay with, and your alone, you and the cat who only loves you because you feed and and give it a warm bed.
I would become a “do you remember her? She was nice, but weird.”
I left my job last week, and I was told by those that were the friendliest to me we would do things, hang out, go to the movies. I can promise you that if I don’t call anyone, I will never hear from them again. Soon I will just become someone that was. Soon I’ll be that person who once was there