The Voldies: A Dark Quidditch Adventure

APRIL 27th 2008

Voldemort stands at the head of a large table. A group of Death Eaters sit around, sipping margaritas and cocktail martinis and eating shrimp cocktails. Bellatrix is sitting next to Voldemort, her legs crossed, twirling her hair with her finger, smiling adoringly up at Voldemort.

“Everyone.” Voldemort clears his throat. “Everyone, listen up, I have an important announcement. Pay attention or I’ll kill you all!” he screams. Bella giggles and everyone quiets down.

“Okay thank you. Now since my evil plan to steal every left sock in Britain did not come out as planned, I have decided on a new evil tactic. Now we all know Harry Potter loves Quidditch.”

“He does!” some obscure Death Eater, calls from the back of the room.

“Now, my new evil, twisted plan is—drum roll.” A drum roll starts. “We take over Quidditch.”

“Do we get to kill people?” Another obscure Death Eater, who Voldemort calls Paco, says.

“No, Paco, we form a team,” he says shaking his head. “The Voldies,” he says with a bright, scary smile, raising his hands, like he’s pointing out a large sign above him.

Bellatrix starts to clap and giggles some more. “That’s a great idea oh beautiful, handsome, ruggedly-good-looking Master.”

“Oh, yeah… ah…that’s the best idea so far, Master” Another Death Eater says.

“You said that about his last idea!” Bella screams madly.

“Well, I think all his ideas are amazing and incredible. When ever there is a new one, it’s always better than the old one, always, always, always, always.”

“Yes, yes, calm down, Paco Number Two,” says Voldemort, waving him away.

“Do we at least get to hurt someone, this time, Master?” asks another Death Eater.

“Hey… hey, calm down there cowboy, all in due time,” Voldemort says. “Now, you,” he says, pointing at a Death Eater who is suckling on a shrimp.

The Death Eater’s eyes widen and he almost chokes on the shrimp. “Meee?” He sputters and starts coughing.

“Nooooo…. the pretty lady next to you,” says Voldemort.

“You mean me?” says a young woman standing next to the shrimp eating, Death Eater.

“Uhu,” says Voldemort, nodding his head.

“Oh. I’m actually here to cater,” she says, as she places a new platter of lamb skewers in the middle of the table.

“Ohhh, right. Then can you bring more shrimp? They’re delish, and some of us don’t know how to share,” Voldemort says. The Death Eater who was eating the shrimp, lowers his head embarrassed.

“Now back to business,” Voldemort says, turning to look at the Death Eater next to him… He points and squints “Paco number…ehhhhhh?”
“Three, Master,” giggles, Bellitrix.

“Uh, yeah, I knew that,” he scoffs. “Paco Number Three. I need you to do a search on Google, make sure no other team has the same name as ours.”
“Can I kill them if they do, Master?” asks Paco Number Three.

“I suppose…. but ask nicely first. You wouldn’t believe what a couple of nice words can do. Besides the Galleons you can save on dry cleaning is worth the effort,” he says, matter-of-factly. “Now, Paco Number—actually you look more like a Ross.”

“That is my name. How perceptive you are, Master,” says the Death Eater Voldemort was talking to.

“Your name’s Olive, you brown-noser,” someone calls out from somewhere in the room.



Just found this piece of a fanfic I wrote some years back, its actually pretty funny… well, it made me laugh at least, although that might have been a little self serving.


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