What It Feels Like: Back to Normal

I’ve been trying to put into words what depression feels like. I’ve watched people on YouTube as they explain the emptiness, the lack of interest, the sadness. I didn’t get it. What does emptiness feel like? It feels exactly like what the word describes. It feels like nothing. Like there’s nothing, like nothing matters, like you want to do nothing. Its not an “Oh, God, I’m so sad, how can I ever get out of bed, how can I eat, how can I sleep.” No, its not like that. Its just a complete lack of anything. Feelings for me… I can understand them, I can relate to them, and I usually have them, but when I’m down, blue, what ever you want to call it, its like they are out of whack. Its like my feelings don’t connect to the situations. Tell me something completely innocent and I might cry, or I might go into a rage–rage being the more common one. I’m not an angry person, never have been, but I have been very angry, very irritable lately. The feelings, they just don’t connect.

I went to see a doctor today, lets see how the treatment goes. Lets see if I can back on track. They asked me, what do you want to gain from this? I said, I want to be normal again. What is normal? they asked me. My answer? I wan to to want again, I want to care again, I want to feel like I did when I was in my mid twenties.

No, life wasn’t perfect, yes, there were issues, but I was okay, it was normal, I was normal.

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